Amavert

The Switchover

Secretly, you're glad. I know you are.
Seeing me go through the exact same thing you think you go through everyday.
But never was it this final.
I mean, you'll still see me, probably. We'll remain friends.
But I will never see her again. It's very different.
I just think it's really petty of you, that you'd rather see me feeling bad.
I get it, I get it.
That's the last I will say of it.

Something

I need something to set my mind to.
Because this can't go on much longer.
And I'm losing my mind over here.
Let's go out and find that one true love.
Or at least go out more than you have.
Hook up, stay hooked, unhook, it doesn't matter.
Life is free and love is priceless.
Bouncing like an opium-high prophet,
professing my thoughts prophetically.
This world needs to cleanse itself.
Ban the traitors, hang the indulgent.
Applaud the working man, fighting for what's his.
Eventually, balance is restored, not without a fight.
Germans confused with Dutch, I hate that.
A lot of fucking good you are, up there.

No Air

Tell me how I'm supposed 2 breathe with no air?

[Jordin Sparks:]
If I should die before I wake
It's cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

[Chris Brown:]
I'm here alone didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand

[Hook: Jordin Sparks]
But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe

[Chrorus: Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon breathe without me?
[No Air Lyrics on
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air [x4]

[Chris Brown:]
I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
WIth no gravity to hold me down forreal

[Jordin Sparks:]
But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't how but I don't even care

[Hook: Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown]
So how do you expect me to live alone with just me? cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus: Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown]
Tell me how I'm supposed 2 breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna breathe without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air [x4]
No more
It's no air, no air

[Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown:] OH

[Chorus: Jordin Sparks&Chris Brown]
Tell me how I'm supposed 2 breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon breathe without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, no air [x4]
[faded]
So how do you expect me to live alone with just me? cause my world revolves around you it's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed 2 breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air

[Jordin Sparks:] Got me out here in the water so deep
[Chris Brown:] Tell me how you gon breathe without me?
[Jordin Sparks:] If you ain't here I just can't breathe
[Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown:] It's no air, no air

No air, air [x3]

No air

This song embodies how I feel right now.
I can't seem to get over her, if that's a good thing, I just,. don't know.
But it seems like every breathe takes more out of me than before.
My mind is playing tricks on me, because I can't think straight and the only thing left to do is write. Writing about what's on my mind, when clearly you are. My PM Program is hardly worth looking at, you're constantly (Inactive), meaning you're not paying any attention to me. I feel selfish and I begin to fear that thát might've been a reason. I've only gathered my feelings and portrayed only me, when truly, I should've made your part bigger.

Maybe we're wrong. Maybe it ís possible. But that's just a maybe.

Download Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown - No Air

Common Divider

It's high time to see melancholy off, and make room for love, again.
Even in this fucked-up situation, I want to see the good that's in it.
As a lifeline through everyone, heartbreak is the common divider.
And I really need someone to talk to.

Nights of liqour, they are now as they have always been, my one true solace.
A tear corodes its way to my cheek, as an eternal melancholist's sorrow shows.
I'm proud of myself, proud of the way I act but first and foremost proud of how I handled this.
I'm proud of the fact that I seem to care so much about this girl, crying becomes an option again. It's been a while. A long while.

A time in which patience makes room for sadness, sarcasm and sulking.
A time where winged prejudice was flown away, and honesty was domesticated.
That time has passed, and the dawn of a new era has begun to shine.
It's times like these, when I'm home alone, that the familiar feeling of loneliness comes to me, again. And it makes me never want this day to end, in fear of the next.

She burned her mark in me,
I feel branded and set to dry.
But one day, that one moment.
I feel as if what isn't yet, may still be to come, sometime.

To make matters worse, ironically, or whatever you label it to be,
my skin is worsening, and the window of opportunity seems smaller than ever.

Melancholist.

And I Want You To Know Right Now

One of these days, you're going to have to tell me the truth of it.
I hope you think I deserve that. Because I do and I want to know.
Honesty is a painful thing, but a necessary evil.
You will tell me where I went wrong,
tell me, what happened the moment you knew.
Tell me, the truth.

Keep Your Clichés To Yourself

You don't know what it's like, you've never known.
You were practically married at age fifteen, hell, how could you know.

Irony is served best when one never thought irony could hit this hard.
I'm filled with extravagant thoughts, possible outs, final solutions.
But in reality, I've become the founding member for Melancholics Anonymous.
Stupid but poetic.

That's some aggressive bullshit.

I should get a memorecorder. Because I need to know what I think every day.
I forget, I forget more than I want to sometimes, but I'll never be able to forget her.
And I'll never see her again. Period.

Something monumental happened yesterday.
I opened up.
For the first time in six years, I cried.
Not even when I was dumped, nor when my grandfather died, did I cry.
It only underlines the importance this had.

I opened up. In front of my family. Everyone could see my flaws.
But I was patted on the back, held tightly, until subdued.
This is all just a cry for help, 'cause I obviously can't handle this alone.

I'm not saying I felt good when I did cry, but obviously, I let something go.
And I don't have to think for a reason why people cry. Love is the only one to blame.
Maybe I'll vilify her as well, for the sake of argument. But that's highly unlikely.

To top it off, in a mixed mood of melancholy and rum, I showed some stories I had posted here and read them to my mother. I'm just hoping I haven't completely destroyed this anonimity.

I'm listening to 'Back To You' by John Mayer, and the words fit perfectly:

I'll never give up on you.
I'm sleeping in my bed with your silhouette.
Doesn't it scare you, your will is not as strong, as it used to be?

Nemoo
Nemo
Joep
Melancholist

Category:Love

The most excruciating moment of my life.
At age seventeen. Almost impossible.
Almost.

I had it all planned out, the way I like my things to be.
I'd take her back to Rome, for a romantic rendez-vous.
Enjoy the scenery, rejoice for lost memories, and most of all,
enjoy her. Enjoy what I would've become. A caring, nurturing soul free
of inhibition and bureaucratic rules that I am now restraining myself with.

I've toyed with consequence.
I've done so since the beginning.
First love, heartbreak, second love, heartfelt.
Real love, unfelt.
Actual feeling, gone.
I never thought the drugs would have any real side-effects
to my mental health, but in retrospect, it did.
As then, I've misjudged the consequence of this, and I don't know
what I have to do to make amends.

To permanently fill this hollow inside me, I would have to love someone else.
And I am in love, every second of every day, it's the matching that's the problem.
Not a soul on this planet does not want to be loved, but we're all picky. I know I am.
But when I set my sights on someone, I try too hard. And even when I know this is the problem, I can barely come up with a solution. It's just, the yearning is so overwhelming,
it has to come out. I have to let it out, and try to mold it into something I deem good enough.

That's where the disillusions of grandeur come in.
I think I've done the impossibe, finally making my love known,
when in fact, all I've done is scare the living shit out of 'em.
And that's gotta change, or maybe it doesn't, hell, I don't know anymore.
These are the things that make my mind go numb, I'm not able to think straight.
Everything's rash, a bold gesture or just plain gibberish. As I'm writing right now.

This is what is feeding my arrogance,
if I'm not the problem, then she must be, and I'm better than her for it.
Cut this cancer that toys with me out and replace it with a whole heart.
Because mine seems to be missing.

Cigarettes And Alcohol

By the time my feet hit the outside world, I knew it was over.
I should've never gone out, I now think that would've helped.
But that would've been cowardly, and I'm just on that long road to courage.
I wasn't expecting an outburst, I'm realistic enough to know that a little hope
never hurt anyone, except me in this case.
I ain't saying this is the best feeling in the world, hell, far from it,
but is it worth the aggrevation? I don't think it is.

The chapter has been written, the book closed.
To read again would mean opening up, yet again.
But this time I'm glad I didn't destroy something beautiful.
This time, I'm alive again, after a night which will most
definitely scar me for the rest of my life.

Sad to say, I'm glad I got myself liquored up beforehand,
because I wouldn't know how I would've reacted sober.
Ambiguously and to my disgust of course, I feel now like I
should've felt yesterday night. It's nothing but a delay of execution.

I feel destructive. Not in the auto-mutilating way.
It's to be expected that it'll take some time to recover,
but to tell you the truth, I was never actually a believer.
I started preparing for the fall, the moment I took the dive
into the deep waters of insecurity.

Cigarettes and alcohol, I'm glad I was in full supply of both.
Looking back now on this last day, I'm filled with a joy, inexplicable.
Parts of me want to run away, take my stuff and just..go.
Run of to a faraway land and start anew. Make that fresh start,
fresher than the one I had in mind before.
Run to the water and plunge myself into its depths, only to come up to the
same world, over and over again.
I'm overdramatic, I have a thing for melodrama, it makes me me.

I feel ashamed, ashamed of what I have become.
A objective view results in a lack of romantic opposite interest,
a shortage of lovers, a severe deficiency in manhood, and an imminent
shortcoming of what I set my own goals to be.
However, this night made me realise something.
Women are not meant for the pedestal.
Pygmalion is only a story.

The mirror tells a different tale.
I'm happy with how I look, finally.
When everything feels like the movies, ...yeah.
There are so many songs that come to mind,
revealing that heartbreak is a popular subject

I'm laughing and I don't know why.
But it's good that I can laugh, I figure.
I'm screaming the words to 'Iris', loud enough
for my entire street to hear.
It's good that I scream, I think.
Let it out, ventilate what others have ventilated.
If only there really was such a thing as a Sin-Eater.

I love this.

Melancholist

Sitting in this melancholy, I fear for my adolescence as I once did before.
I apologised for fear of losing my adolescence in your eyes. I needed, nay, wanted to be independent. And I'm in shambles over where it all went wrong.
'Cause one day it's a smiley face, the other it's goodbye forever. Maybe.
I truly, deeply, madly fear your reaction.
It's a beautiful stalemate now, there's nothing happening, the way it never did.
But my eyes play tricks on me if I for once, truly believe that you'll come with a positive answer.
In short, I fear that what made me approach you in the first place, the adolescence, is now being shot to smithereens while you're reading what I gave you.
For all I know, you're making fun of what I gave you, but I don't figure you for someone who'd do that.
The thing still is; I don't know what you think.
I know what I think, I'm just enamored with the mere sight of you, but it's a one-way thing, whilst it should be a two-way street. I think we should meet in the middle.

I hear someone sing 'That's what you get when you let your heart win.'
Maybe that's what happened here, to me. My heart won the battle against my fears and prejudices. And I like to think that it was a hardfought, epic struggle for my favor.
In the end, all that mattered was me, putting my fears aside, and giving you letters fillled with love. As opposed to others just asking a girl out, I chose the harder way, the more problem-filled path, the path that leads to freedom.

Because when I say 'Set me free' I mean one of two things. But you already knew that.

Download A Perfect Circle - Passive

This log is utter crap. And it's heavy, o so heavy on her. Like all my writing is.
WHY CAN'T I JUST WRITE SOMETHING LIVELY, SOMETHING LIGHT, THAT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH FOR A GIRL?!?!

Dreams #3-6-8

We're headed for Belgium. It's a male bonding thing. My soccer team and I are on our way to a movie theatre. And I know this, because I've worked before this, and it was being said there.
Once there, I get out of the car, and walk to the nearest movie theatre.
We watch a movie and when I turn around to go home, only the men that mean something to me are left.
We speed on home, and end up in the nearest department store in the City.
The lights are dimmed, but it's only 6 in the afternoon, so they ain't closed.
An ambulance arrives, right in front of the building.
I decide I don't wanna see this happening.

I'm home. And I get a call.
My sister, she's gone.
My parents did went to see what had happened in the supermarket and apparently one of the cashiers had found her dead on floor. In the afternoon dusk a lot can happen.

Enraged, of course, I make my way through the puddle of mindless drones that were attracted to the misery. And here's where this dream turns into a badass SVU-episode.

I decide to do some snoopin' around, particularly because this store is the same store as were I work, coincidentally, the people that were involved never liked me much. The cashier, to say the least, hated me. I talk to every single employee and none of them can tell me what happened. They were all in other aisles, or were watching customers going the other way when it happened.

I decide to question the cashier.

She tells me she had nothing to do with it, but doesn't seem remorseful in any aspect, considering I just lost a sibling, she could've been more supportive. My instinct however seems to single out her quirky behavior and spots a flaw.
She busts out a card which she only gets out for me.
When I approach here cashregister, she puts out the card that reads: 'I never did like you.'
I ask, finally: Why use 'did' in that sentence? Did you ever like me? I don't think so?
She responds in a manner that is inexplainable now, and says that it validates her eating ice-cream during work hours. How that works, ..I didn't even ask.
So I ask if that's the only thing that stands out from other cash-registers. Yes, she answers.
I quickly turn to her neighboring cashier to see that there, a screw is missing in the big, metal sheet where products roll on.
And that, is that of significance?
Nope, she responds. That's just ordinary.
I ask the second cashier how she managed to get the screw out of there.
With a screwdriver of course.
Then an employee turns to her and says: yeah, but you always need to be careful. Just like with that lamp in the second aisle, that's lo.... LAMP IN THE SECOND AISLE?!- I respond.
I never was sure about where my sister found her end, but the video tape surveillance had shown my mother that it was somewhere near the cashier's register.

In my head, I still doubt if the cashier is telling the truth. And then it hits me. She must've heard the bang from the lamp falling down on my sister. And then in an effort to make me go mental, made sure she was dead by killing her with a screwdriver. She then made it look like an accident, and acted like she never knew what was going on.

'Right this way sir.'
I am guided to where the lamp used to be. And I turn and say to the other cashiers from a distance already:'Don't let miss Taraguez loose, because she's got some..'
She runs. I see her running and I'm thinking: FOR GOD'S SAKES FUCK THIS SHIT.
I throw down my gear and run with new empowerment.
In the process of chasing her on foot, I feel my body changing, it's as if my body is changing into that of an animal. I see whiskers growing, and a growling voice to go with it. Speed's increased as well. And I run after her, with no other goal then to kill her with my bare hands, growling like no wolf has ever growled before.
I get her, tear her limb from limb, and then some shit about Gullit comes along, and a journey through the earth and hell and back of one of his three sons and Link from Zelda is outlined.
I wonder what I'll dream of next.

Do You Think You Can Find It?

I'm in shambles.
Because she hasn't called. Or maybe because I didn't answer.

I feel like walking around, hair strung in my face, because I don't approve of anything I see.
And I don't wanna let go, because this is too important to me to just leave be.
Of course, by giving you the letters, I was going out on a limb.
But by now, the end of that limb seems unavoidable.
Why am I making such a big fucking deal about his? I told myself this could happen, but is there a certain period in which I'm allowed to wait? She doesn't know me, I don't take to waiting well, I used to though, but in giving this, I'm convinced there's more in life than just waiting around.

O what am I thinking, I haven't changed. I want to change, that's what.
Be more assertive, be more of my own person, if possible.
And waiting on someone to finally find you and love you, just doesn't fit into that picture.

Truth is, I don't even know if she has read what I gave her four days ago. I didn't particularly act like I was interested in the fact if she liked it or not. But she seemed happy. But that's just outward appearance.
In reality, I acted quasi-interested in a way familiar to all this. In a way I thought she acted once. And in doing so, I may have given up the last thing I had, hope.
Hope for her interest, hope for her happiness, hope for my happiness, hope for a better outcome.

Maybe I'll let go, and set myself free in a way I wanted her to do.
But poetic irony wouldn't be poetic irony if I just gave up with every backlash.
I've come to far, and endured too much, for me to give up confidence here and now.
I see others around me, still together after romantic years filled with excitement, passion and attention. Who wouldn't want that life?

But most of all, I love you too much to let you constrain yourself to me, if I'm not to you what you are to me. Most of all, and most importantly, I just want you to be happy. Then I'm happy.

Download OneRepublic - Say (All I Need)